Thoughts, I Think 7: Remake, Rebirth, or Whatever
Final Fantasy 7 is just an okay game. There, I said it.
My Definitive Final Fantasy Top 10 List Up Until Final Fantasy X
Let’s dispense with the life story as our intro for once (I am struggling to tell a story at the moment, so forgive me) and discuss my ranking of the first 10 Final Fantasy games.
This is my list, so if you don’t like what I like, then I suggest you become cultured.
Final Fantasy VI — No take backs. This is the game.
Final Fantasy IV — This was the second Final Fantasy game I ever played, and it still holds a place for me. It’s a little broken in some places, but who can say that stops them from having fun?
Final Fantasy V — This game snuck up on me through the years despite the fact that I avoided it. I disliked the Job System immensely because it was overwhelming, but getting the chance to actually sit down, figure it out, and break it open made me enjoy this one a whole bunch. I now consider it a crime that it was never released in the United States until 2001’s Final Fantasy Anthology for the PlayStation.
Final Fantasy IX — Square went back to their roots for their PlayStation swan song, and it paid dividends in my eyes. With a focus on swords, shields, and crystals, this love story to the first five Final Fantasy games features an excellent cast and a great soundtrack.
Final Fantasy — Okay, so hear me out. Do not play the NES original of this game. You will hate it. However, decades of RPG development, reliance on nostalgia to generate company income, and incredible quality of life improvements over the original make the Pixel Remaster version of this game a fun distraction.
Final Fantasy VII — Yeah, yeah. Sue me. I’ve always enjoyed Final Fantasy 7 up until a point because I believe it to be the perfect case of “right game, right time.” If you had a PlayStation in 1997, you had to have this game. Despite not owning a Sony console until 2001, I picked this one up relatively late. While it’s fun to look at from a historical perspective, I guarantee the graphics alone will kill any desire you may have to play this one.
Final Fantasy II — Surprise! I hated this game until last year when the Pixel Remaster released. With the PR’s massive quality of life improvements on this game, it made it actually playable and a fun time capsule to open when you want to see where a lot of the series big ideas first came into focus.
Final Fantasy X — I wanted to like this game. I begged myself to enjoy it, and I even loved it when I played it for the first time on PS2. But this is the first Final Fantasy game I played, beat, and never picked it up again. It’s just forgettable to me. The voice acting is not great, the story makes little sense, and I could not connect to any of the characters. Technically speaking, this game is a tremendous leap forward for the series, but it just falls flat these days.
Final Fantasy III — Coming off the surprisingly dark for a Famicom game Final Fantasy II, Final Fantasy III reintroduces the “golly gosh we’re just on a grand ol’ adventure” to the series. It also introduced the Job System, which people love. However, considering where they went with this series in Final Fantasy II when it comes to story, this one feels like a big step back.
Final Fantasy VIII — Woooooo weeee I dislike this game so much. The characters are laughable. The story doesn’t stand up to the tiniest bit of critical thought. The graphics are mid. I work really hard to ensure I don’t judge people by their favorite game, but if you tell me this one is your favorite, I will judge the shit out of you.
What’s fun about Final Fantasy these days is that you can pretty much play any of these on your console of choice — forget it, Xbox owners — so there’s no excuse to not play them. Pick up the Pixel Remasters if you have the chance.
Nickelodeon Made the Super Bowl More Watchable Than Ever
I admit being remarkably confused at the idea of Nickelodeon providing a simulcast of Super Bowl LVIII. Clearly, the NFL marketing folks are looking at the game being played less and less at the Pop Warner level because parents are rightfully concerned about their children developing CTE early and decided to gamble on a half-baked idea that a college football coach put forth a few years ago that everyone laughed at.
(Pst, the answer to that Jeopardy! question in a few years is, “Who is Bob Diaco?”)
Regardless, I told my kids about the game being broadcast on Dad’s Old Favorite Network, and they were also immediately confused. Then I told them Spongebob Squarepants and Patrick Star would be providing commentary. My oldest, predictably, was still uninterested despite Spongebob being her favorite cartoon. My middle child was even more confused. My youngest was immediately into the idea.
We started the broadcast on CBS, where we were hit with a very confusing commercial featuring people washing their feet. Despite the fact that I immediately got the Biblical implication here, the commercial received a ton of parody and criticism. “He Gets Us” was the tagline. Oooookay. Moving along.
We remembered the Nickelodeon broadcast and switched over shortly after. I was hooked the second an AR-infused lobster tried to line up in formation at the line of scrimmage and Dora the Explorer explained penalties. Dora would later have the line of the night when she asked if anyone needed a map to the endzone.
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You could probably hear my cackling from space every time she appeared above the lower third. She provided the necessary explanations for football novices trying to make sense of the NFL’s arcane rules and the very necessary (and social media-friendly) burns.
But let’s get back to the stars of the program: Spongebob and Patrick. I honestly believed the voice acting from both actors, Tom Kenny and Bill Fagerbakke, would get annoying after a while. For those curious about the whole thing worked from a technological perspective, the Spongebob TikTok page has you covered.
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Nope. They added so much to this broadcast that it’s impossible to not enjoy it. Now you can enjoy it on YouTube.
It appears I am not the only one that feels this way about the Nickelodeon Super Bowl. Social media chatter about the broadcast was largely positive. The AV Club called it “appropriately deranged”. The Daily Beast said the simulcast was “more fun than the real game.” And Deadspin, like the rest of us, asked if Spongebob and Patrick could call every game.
Regardless of where you stand on football, the NFL and Nickelodeon managed to pull off something I never thought possible: they made the alternate broadcast almost more discussed than the actual game.
My Favorite Headline from the Game
Pack it up, fellow journalists. There’s no other headline greater than this one.
I’m weeping over my Bachelor’s degree as we speak.
That Is It For Us Today
Go click any of the links above. I don’t have a YouTube video for you to watch today.